I’ve Been Dwelling in the Past, and It’s a Mess

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I had a conversation with a friend yesterday that seemed to turn into an impromptu counseling session.  After filling her in on the rough year I’ve experienced, one that if anyone knows me reading this rivals my 2001-2002 year, a simple question from her set me into an emotional tailspin/release/stepping stone/whatever you want to call it…

…and realizing I have been living in my hurt for far too long.  Has this year been a hard one? Yes. Seemingly never stopping and compounding by one thing after another, such is life.  And because of the situation we are in, I can’t even freely talk about it or write about it even here.  And that’s what my friend asked me- “Who have you even been able to talk to about this?” (LIKE REALLY TALK TO- not just my close friends- GET COUNSEL) and I responded “No one.”  That is how alone I have felt this year and I didn’t realize the enormity of it until yesterday.  I have felt the sadness of it, but not really the spectrum of what that has done to my life as a whole.  It’s kept me in this constant, underlying state of sadness, questioning, nervousness, discontentment…basically, not able to move forward.  And within that, holding God at arms length which adds to the pain of separation and loneliness.  SIN.

And so as I was driving home from her house yesterday, barely making it to the car before I started crying- ugly, snot running, dry heaving, noisy crying- God used this song to show me He is here.  That it is not hopeless. Thank You, Jesus.  That HE can move me forward, if I confess to Him (which I did), if I trust Him (which I do) and if I CHOOSE to move forward with His help (which I am).  The irony is not missed on me- I’ve been saying to myself I want to move forward/to get past this/for things to change, but I haven’t been doing the work for that to happen.

The line from the song “I know your past is broken, you can move on IT’S OVER NOW” hit it home for me. And the praise goes to God for all of it.  Listen to the whole song- the beginning sets God in His high place which leads to the following words- WHY we sit in His presence, WHAT He does for us if we live in His presence, because He is God.  God be lifted high.

“Mercy is falling, falling
Lift up your hands receive it now
Here in the presence of the Lord
I know your past is broken
You can move on it’s over now
Here in the presence of the Lord

Tired of running, running
Be still and know He’s in control
Here in the presence of the Lord
Pour out your heart before Him
Open your arms He’ll hold you now
Here in the presence of the Lord.”

Today’s devotional from “My Utmost For His Highest” was a secondary note from God.  May 24 “The Delight of Despair” takes the reader to Deuteronomy 33:27, “The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.  He will drive out your enemy before you, saying, ‘Destroy him!'”  Oswald Chambers writes, “Whenever His hand is laid upon you, it gives inexpressible peace and comfort, and the sense that “underneath are the everlasting arms,” full of support, provision, comfort and strength…But the delight of despair comes when “I know that in me (this is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells” (Romans 7:18)…God can do nothing for me until I recognize the limits of what is humanly possible, allowing Him to do the impossible.”

Amen and Amen and thank you, Holy Father, for saving me.